I knew from the DVR summary of this episode that Andi's day would be similar to mine when I read that she went "for a playful bike ride with four men at the ruins of a castle." Similarly, I went to work and took care of three kids under four and a half. Moving on, my 4 year old astutely remarks that Andi's first outfit on this episode makes her look like a Transformer. Despite this spot-on observation, she must go up to bed and only my ten month old continues to watch with me.
The group interview with Chris is uninteresting except to note what particularly well groomed eyebrows Josh the pro baseball player has on this episode. The men hate Nick, probably because he is wearing a silly outfit with a pink V neck and a blue scarf that I think I have in my closet. There is villain music playing in Nick's interview which means drama involving him will ensue later in the episode.
Andi picks Marcus for the date, and in another parallel to my life, they go to a Belgian chocolate shop, dine al fresco and eat mussels, and go to a scenic destination for a romantic dinner (except replace those activities with dinnertime, bathtime, and bedtime). During lunch, Marcus is emotionally open and vulnerable with Andi, which is extremely attractive to women, as Andi enthusiastically notes. Andi, like all Bachelors and Bachelorettes before her, ungrammatically wonders "what the future holds for Marcus and I." Undeterred by her grammatical lapse, Marcus is hitting it on all cylinders. Andi's "heart is melting." She can barely contain how excited she is about his emotional vulnerability. He will obviously get a rose. My baby indicates his interest in the romantic background music by nursing more quickly. I pat myself on the back for contributing to his brain development.
At dinner, Andi's outfit does not make her look like an android anymore. Marcus is poised for another round of emotionally open self disclosure that will reduce Andi to jelly. He begins to talk about his dysfunctional home life. He is extremely emotionally aware. He notes how his mother's parenting was shaped by how she was raised. Ten bucks says Marcus has been in therapy. Andi loves how vulnerable and self-aware Marcus is. She is visualizing giving him a.... happy, stable home life (get your mind out of the gutter. My baby is right here). Note to men: women want to provide comfort and stability to a man who has experienced a rough childhood, particularly a man who looks like Marcus.
Andi now explicitly says she is attracted to Marcus because he understands himself and his life experiences. Andi is chomping at the bit to lock down this self-aware, emotionally sensitive man with a pronounced jawline. She calls him "everything I've been looking for in a man" and predicts he will be an amazing father. She is beginning to ovulate due to her overwhelming attraction to Marcus, and she almost eats his face off when they kiss.
Andi now explicitly says she is attracted to Marcus because he understands himself and his life experiences. Andi is chomping at the bit to lock down this self-aware, emotionally sensitive man with a pronounced jawline. She calls him "everything I've been looking for in a man" and predicts he will be an amazing father. She is beginning to ovulate due to her overwhelming attraction to Marcus, and she almost eats his face off when they kiss.
Back in the house, Nick continues to act intense. Josh's pecs are also intense and may be positioning for their own reality show. Now Nick exhibits preoccupied attachment and finds Andi in her hotel room by lying to the front desk staff. Andi takes this behavior as a sign of romance and not of an obsessive desire to win and a disregard for the rules of the show. Andi chooses the word "passion" to describe her relationship with Nick, rather than a more obvious choice of "disconcerting."
Next Josh comes onto the scene. Is anyone going to mention that he seems to be an idiot? Apparently not. Andi says, "I just want him to tell me what emotions he is feeling." Andi is like a spokesperson for most women, yearning for emotional closeness expressed verbally by extremely attractive ex-professional athletes. As the date progresses, it is increasingly obvious that Josh is like the hot guy you date in high school but dump before you go to college. Andi and Josh go to the castle, where Andi gets more and more doubtful about Josh's ability to express himself. Will Josh pull this out of the fire? My baby is nursing thoughtfully, wondering.
Back at the house, we are reminded of Dylan, who, if he has gotten so little airtime thus far, is not long for this show. Nick is wearing a farmer shirt and the actual farmer is wearing a normal shirt. Irony!
Returning to Josh, Andi is trying her hardest to get Josh to say "I love you." Finally! He says it. Now she is happy; yet, he is still dumb. For now, it appears she will ignore this. They have a private concert, again in a striking parallel to my life (replace private concert with cleaning baby food off high chair).
Returning to Josh, Andi is trying her hardest to get Josh to say "I love you." Finally! He says it. Now she is happy; yet, he is still dumb. For now, it appears she will ignore this. They have a private concert, again in a striking parallel to my life (replace private concert with cleaning baby food off high chair).
Now we have a group date. Here comes Nick with his scarf, barely able to hide his disgust when Andi hugs another one of the guys, because he forgot he is on the Bachelor where the entire premise is group dating. Brian the coach makes some more sports analogies linked together by platitudes. Dylan talks about "Andi and I's relationship" and another grammar angel dies. Now they all go on some bizarro ride that I think my kids did at Dutch Wonderland last week. Nick has a pocket square in his jacket that matches his red sneakers. The men pretend they care about the monastery to impress Andi. Simultaneously, I get an idea of contemporary fashion by observing Andi's outfit like an anthropologist. It looks like nothing I own, sadly. Must remedy this in a few years, by which time it will be out of style.
Andi and the farmer go to a pottery barn on the premises of the monastery, which is something they will end up doing often in their daily life as a married couple. Brian tells Andi he is "100% falling in love with her" and she looks at him like I look at my kids when they give me some piece of artwork that is cute because it is really bad. She exhibits none of the face eating passion reserved for Marcus or Nick. Speaking of Nick, he and his ego are wandering creepily around the monastery grounds. Dylan could use a dry shampoo. Andi is making a duck face. Nick tells Andi that he knows that she loves him. This is an unexpected and narcissistic game plan that appears to work well with Andi. Their scarves gaze meaningfully at each other.
Nick tells the camera that he knows how Andi feels about him, specifically that she loves him and wants to marry him. He should have pulled out an Andi sock puppet to mouth these lines. Later, Nick gets the rose and the other men's hatred of him builds. Nick's delusion that Andi is saying that she loves him ramps up exponentially. Nick is looking more and more like a sociopath in his confessional interviews. Perhaps it is the video editing, or his shiny forehead. The other guys go home in the Reject Limo. Villain music continues to play. My baby is asleep, despite this decisive moment in the plot. I will have to go it alone, it seems. Brian uses a string of cliches to express his sadness, and uses the ubiquitous "between Andi and I" to further torment the gods of grammar. Brian is looking particularly red in the face and eyebrowless, like an angry baby. He is losing ground by the second.
Back on the date, Andi is wearing a sequined latex dominatrix outfit of some sort. Nick and Andi canoodle. Back in the house, Josh can barely contain his schadenfreude that the other three guys were rejected in favor of Nick. He is twitching with glee. Back on the date, Andi and her ovaries ask Nick about his potential parenting style. There is a fireworks surprise because the concert was yesterday and there is no landing pad for a helicopter or water for a private yacht. Andi voraciously makes out with Nick, and strangely, nobody gets caught in the scarves and asphyxiates.
Upon Nick's return to the house, the men are angrily silent. Since they are televised they cannot physically attack him like other mammals would in this situation. Marcus then pipes up and says that Nick likes to "prey on the insecure." They think he "talks more about strategy than about Andi." Is Nick a sociopath? Probably just a narcissist who dresses annoyingly. But the villain music is on again so who knows. The farmer says "we're here trying to fall in love," versus Nick who is a "gamer." I think Nick is into winning and so are all the men, but Nick is more open about it and has less social awareness of how he comes off, and more scarves. In his confessional this time, he looks like Hannibal Lecter.
It is cocktail hour time. I think Dylan is out. Andi is wearing a beaded dress that must weigh 30 pounds. Note that this is the style for the next time I go to a castle with six men who want to marry me. Maybe it would also work for date night at PF Chang's. There is scary music, which is apropos because I am scared of Dylan's oil slicked hair touching that beautiful upholstery. Andi continues to pretend to herself that she could be a farmer's wife. Perhaps she would prosecute the livestock. Dylan echoes Andi's use of "legit" but it is legit too late for him. Nick stalks around the room evilly and interrupts Brian's conversation with Andi. Brian barely restrains himself from beating the crap out of Nick, who he passive aggressively calls Nicholas. Nick continues to discuss how he is the best choice for Andi. He is crying in the confessional. Now I feel bad and cannot make fun of his pocket square. His forehead is less shiny and he looks less insane. Was I being manipulated into hating him earlier by the producers? Impossible.
Rose ceremony. Josh is in, Marcus obviously as well, and who's the last guy going to be? My baby furrows his brow with anticipation in his sleep. And now, the big reveal! We find out the farmer's name is Chris! Also, Andi picks him to remain. Dylan goes home to wash his hair. He also states that he should have opened up earlier, an original sentiment never previously expressed by a Bachelor/ette reject at the post-rejection interview. Brian goes home sadly, but not before using another series of banalities to express his heartbreak.
In the montage about upcoming weeks, we see that Andi would have to be a homemaker in the middle of nowhere on the farmer's farm. This is apparently something that she did not think about, because she doesn't like to think about obvious things that everyone else thought of already, and thinking pragmatically has been vilified in Bachelor culture as "not being here for the right reasons." Also, someone's family member dies and it plunges Andi into the traditional Bachelorette-emotional-breakdown-during-hometown-week.
Over and out! Stay tuned for next week's episode of Watching the Bachelorette with My Ten Month Old, unless he is teething.
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