Kristen, a reader from (yet again, coincidentally) suburban Maryland, writes:
Dr. Rodman,
When did you plan on having your second? My husband and I want more kids but are unsure a bit still and don't want to wait too long. When did you start trying after Natalia?
Kristen
Well, Kristen, first of all, that's a pretty personal question. Do you also want to know what position we used? Nosy nosy. Just kidding there. Don't stop following my blog. Anyway, when I went to Natalia's 9 month checkup, I was very proud of myself and told the pediatrician that I was still nursing her something like 6 times a day and pumping a bizarre amount of milk (I would get 12 oz pumped milk after her morning feed.) The pediatrician was not impressed and said something to the effect of, feed her more food and nurse her less because she wasn't a newborn baby anymore.
So then, upon hearing someone actually say that my baby was no longer so much of a baby, I became distressed and began to miss having a baby (despite having, as pictured above, a baby). Clara was conceived instantaneously that night. (Octomom, you are not the only baby addict out there.)
So, you casually inquire, would you recommend the 18 month age difference? Ha ha, I say. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. But let me elaborate.
Natalia doesn't even remember not having Clara around. She had zero jealousy and thought she was one of the grownups there to care for the new baby. Natalia and Clara now are inseparable, although they also fight like wildebeests. They are definitely best friends.
However, upon reviewing some of the above photos for inclusion in this post, I experienced what we in the psychological community call "PTSD flashbacks." It was extremely hard to parent two children this close in age together with minimal help during the day. I still sent Natalia to daycare 8 hours per week in order to work (and also on my maternity leave, most of the time) and my husband was a great help on nights and weekends, but it was still very challenging.
One thing that helped me was always to get out of the house at least once per day. We did loads of activities. We did Kindermusik and Clara laid on the floor in the middle of the circle of singing toddlers. We did library class. We did swim lessons. For me, being at home with the two of them and their constant physically draining demands was nearly impossible, and at least when I was out I could speak to other adults. But some people would have found my schedule with them to be too draining. To each her own.
Also, if you do have children this close in age, don't be afraid to use whatever support resources are at your disposal. In retrospect, I should have put Natalia in daycare for another morning or even up to four mornings, just to have some down time with the baby. At the time I felt too much guilt to do this, thinking, if I'm home, shouldn't she be with me? (Answer: no.)
I also was extremely stupid about screen time. I did not yet have my motto of ALL SCREEN TIME SHOULD HAVE THE PURPOSE OF MAKING YOUR LIFE EASIER. Clara would only nurse in a dark and silent room. So, like a true idiot, I would give Natalia at 20 months something like a book, for real, and tell her to sit there and read while I went upstairs with Clara to nurse for 20 minutes. This gave me a knot of anxiety in my stomach imagining the trouble she was getting into downstairs, and I would sit in the rocker looking at the clock hoping Clara was eating enough for me to soon run back downstairs. And although, strangely, Natalia, being Natalia, actually did read the book to herself for a while, it was obviously not for the whole 20 minutes, and then she would wander upstairs and disrupt Clara, who would unlatch, and I would immediately get a horrible pulsing migraine from stress. All could have been solved with the damn TV, which would have hypnotized her for easily a half hour at a time.
Between Clara and Levi, however, the age difference is two years, and this made things a lot easier on me. However, there is also the confound of me now being a more experienced mom. On the other hand, though, Clara was old enough to be jealous of the new baby, which is something I did not experience with Natalia. (Although, to be fair, other moms of 18 month olds have reported jealousy, so Natalia may have been an outlier. Yet, all seem to agree that an older toddler is going to have a worse time of it than a younger toddler in terms of acclimating to a new baby; if nothing else, they have been the baby for longer and are more aware of the ousting.)
So, basically, you're damned if you wait and damned if you do it right now. Aren't you glad you asked this question? But seriously, there are pros and cons to each. If you are fairly laid back, and have some childcare help that you aren't afraid to use, have them close together. They will be best friends. And if you wait, that's fine too, and definitely go on a vacation (I mean alone with your husband, not a family vacation) before conception to savor the last bit of time before you change from "a couple with a baby" into "a family with two kids" (this distinction is kind of like the difference between having one precious hand-sewn doll in a baby's room versus having an entire playroom stuffed with bright plastic toys that you rue the day you ever bought and that take over your whole house making it look like crap).
Good luck and god speed, myfriend random reader.
Till next time someone emails me a question, I remain, your Friendly Neighborhood Blogapist.
Dr. Rodman,
When did you plan on having your second? My husband and I want more kids but are unsure a bit still and don't want to wait too long. When did you start trying after Natalia?
Kristen
Well, Kristen, first of all, that's a pretty personal question. Do you also want to know what position we used? Nosy nosy. Just kidding there. Don't stop following my blog. Anyway, when I went to Natalia's 9 month checkup, I was very proud of myself and told the pediatrician that I was still nursing her something like 6 times a day and pumping a bizarre amount of milk (I would get 12 oz pumped milk after her morning feed.) The pediatrician was not impressed and said something to the effect of, feed her more food and nurse her less because she wasn't a newborn baby anymore.
 |
| We actually used these letter books, like, all the time. #Firstbaby |
So, you casually inquire, would you recommend the 18 month age difference? Ha ha, I say. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. But let me elaborate.
Natalia doesn't even remember not having Clara around. She had zero jealousy and thought she was one of the grownups there to care for the new baby. Natalia and Clara now are inseparable, although they also fight like wildebeests. They are definitely best friends.
However, upon reviewing some of the above photos for inclusion in this post, I experienced what we in the psychological community call "PTSD flashbacks." It was extremely hard to parent two children this close in age together with minimal help during the day. I still sent Natalia to daycare 8 hours per week in order to work (and also on my maternity leave, most of the time) and my husband was a great help on nights and weekends, but it was still very challenging.
One thing that helped me was always to get out of the house at least once per day. We did loads of activities. We did Kindermusik and Clara laid on the floor in the middle of the circle of singing toddlers. We did library class. We did swim lessons. For me, being at home with the two of them and their constant physically draining demands was nearly impossible, and at least when I was out I could speak to other adults. But some people would have found my schedule with them to be too draining. To each her own.
Also, if you do have children this close in age, don't be afraid to use whatever support resources are at your disposal. In retrospect, I should have put Natalia in daycare for another morning or even up to four mornings, just to have some down time with the baby. At the time I felt too much guilt to do this, thinking, if I'm home, shouldn't she be with me? (Answer: no.)
I also was extremely stupid about screen time. I did not yet have my motto of ALL SCREEN TIME SHOULD HAVE THE PURPOSE OF MAKING YOUR LIFE EASIER. Clara would only nurse in a dark and silent room. So, like a true idiot, I would give Natalia at 20 months something like a book, for real, and tell her to sit there and read while I went upstairs with Clara to nurse for 20 minutes. This gave me a knot of anxiety in my stomach imagining the trouble she was getting into downstairs, and I would sit in the rocker looking at the clock hoping Clara was eating enough for me to soon run back downstairs. And although, strangely, Natalia, being Natalia, actually did read the book to herself for a while, it was obviously not for the whole 20 minutes, and then she would wander upstairs and disrupt Clara, who would unlatch, and I would immediately get a horrible pulsing migraine from stress. All could have been solved with the damn TV, which would have hypnotized her for easily a half hour at a time.
Between Clara and Levi, however, the age difference is two years, and this made things a lot easier on me. However, there is also the confound of me now being a more experienced mom. On the other hand, though, Clara was old enough to be jealous of the new baby, which is something I did not experience with Natalia. (Although, to be fair, other moms of 18 month olds have reported jealousy, so Natalia may have been an outlier. Yet, all seem to agree that an older toddler is going to have a worse time of it than a younger toddler in terms of acclimating to a new baby; if nothing else, they have been the baby for longer and are more aware of the ousting.)
So, basically, you're damned if you wait and damned if you do it right now. Aren't you glad you asked this question? But seriously, there are pros and cons to each. If you are fairly laid back, and have some childcare help that you aren't afraid to use, have them close together. They will be best friends. And if you wait, that's fine too, and definitely go on a vacation (I mean alone with your husband, not a family vacation) before conception to savor the last bit of time before you change from "a couple with a baby" into "a family with two kids" (this distinction is kind of like the difference between having one precious hand-sewn doll in a baby's room versus having an entire playroom stuffed with bright plastic toys that you rue the day you ever bought and that take over your whole house making it look like crap).
Good luck and god speed, my
Till next time someone emails me a question, I remain, your Friendly Neighborhood Blogapist.
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