Reader Q & A With Dr. Psych Mom: When Will My Husband Grow Up?

"Ha ha"
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An anonymous reader from Anonymousville inquires,


When do men grow up? Responsibility is no fun, but once women commit, they can sacrifice, give, grow up. Most men seem to lack this capability.

Well, dear reader, I feel your pain. I think every married mom has at some point muttered (or screamed, different strokes) the phrase, "It's like having another kid."  Insert "goddamnit" if applicable.  So, let's address this sad state of affairs.

First, let's think about what you mean by "lack of responsibility."  I am assuming you mean something like the following, derived from a combination of client and friend complaints I frequently hear:

He wants to go out like he did before we had kids.  He drinks too much at times.  He doesn't remember our plans.  He doesn't think about the kids' schedules, or mine for that matter.  If our kid is sick, I stay home or make care arrangements.  I take our child to every appointment and birthday party.  I don't think he knows where her socks are kept.  He frequently leaves to pursue hobbies, although I have not had a hobby in five years, unless resentment is a hobby.  I have found every babysitter we have ever employed.  He doesn't even fill up the gas tank until the fuel light comes on.  Can you imagine living with this?

Men generally do not have the same idea of "urgency" that women do.  They come to a relationship thinking it will be easy.  They come into parenting thinking it will be easy.  Women come into both of those things expecting to work hard at them and that this work will likely be difficult.  That's why people blame their anxiety and perfectionism on their moms.  That's also probably why more females than males finish college.

Here is the bad news: you cannot change your husband's character.  You cannot make him think five (hundred) steps ahead like you do. However, you still have to deal with him.  So here some ways to increase the likelihood that he does more things you want him to do with less of a martyred attitude.

1.  Have you ever heard of maternal gatekeeping?  This is the phenomenon of women subconsciously blocking men from having an equal hand in parenting.  This can happen through criticism or just "doing everything" themselves.  Moms gatekeep for many reasons.  They may actually think that their husband is parenting so poorly that the children will suffer.  They also may have a deep desire to be the main parent that the kids turn to- the traditional mom role- and this is a main part of their identity as a woman and mother.  Therefore, they act like they want the man involved but they unconsciously criticize him and push him away when he tries.  Does this sounds familiar, regarding anything your husband attempts to do:  "What are you.... wait, why would you.... oh just let me do it."  (Spoken contemptuously.)

If you want your husband to step up to the plate more often, you are going to have to be okay with how he does things.  So what your kid has some beef jerky and a cookie for lunch?  It expands her taste horizons.

Beats Lunchables
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2.  Men are oftentimes really triggered by women's tone of voice.  Research shows that men are more physiologically stressed out than women during marital conflict.  If you confront him about his "irresponsibility" in an attacking or loud tone, he is likely to detach entirely, making you feel even worse.  But he is just doing it as a defense mechanism because he is so stressed by your tone.  Try to keep it calm when you give your helpful feedback, like "Honey, Madison looks like a homeless child in the outfit you chose."  (Just kidding.  Say "urchin.")

3. Tell him how you feel using "I" statements.  "I think you're a jackass" doesn't count.  Here is a good one: "When you didn't ask if I had any weekend plans for us before telling your friend you'd go golfing with him, I felt sad and hurt.  I wish that next time you could confirm with me whether it's okay."  Here is not a good one: "Go golfing then, you motherf****."

4. Figure out what his perceived irresponsibility triggers in you.  By this I mean, was there ever any other figure in your life that acted this way?  A parent, a sibling?

Not to go all shrinky on you just when you're starting to share my blog posts with abandon, but a person who, for example, had a dad who walked out on the family with no notice, is likely to be very triggered by a husband who goes out to the store without telling her where he is going first.

If you can figure out why your husband's "irresponsibility" hurts you so much (you specifically, not every woman in the world), you can tell him.  He might even listen, as this would be new information, and not the usual new information about a new way you think he sucks.

5. When telling your husband how his behavior makes you feel, stick to the facts, rather than dredging up old grievances or going all general. So, rather than "irresponsibility" let's operationalize this as "forgetting to get our child at daycare" or "making plans without confirming with me." Or "forgetting my birthday, you jerk."  Just seeing if you're paying attention there.

6. Men love solutions.  Try to come up with one that respects that he is an adult (I am serious) and also has a shot in hell of working.  It has to be concrete and practical.  E.g. "If I label the drawer "socks" can that help you remember where her socks are and put them on her in the mornings if I'm already at work?"

7. Consider how he was raised (this does not mean saying, "I knew his mother was to blame, she is so messed up).  Did he have a dad who generally deflected household responsibility and a mother who took care of everything?  The home people are raised in is what they know, and what they will automatically revert to once they have kids.  They are used to this pattern and will either pick someone who can replicate it (here, picking a woman who takes care of everything like mom did), or they will unconsciously try to replicate it themselves. The way around this is to give a lot of thought to how you were raised and how this affects you now as a person and as a parent.  See this book.

All of this is fine, you say, but I want an example.  Okay, I answer, agreeable as ever.

Let's say your husband forgot you were going to Disney and scheduled a work call during one of the mornings you had planned a special breakfast with Cinderella.

(No, this didn't happen to me, vacation was bad enough.)  Now imagine your husband's reaction to each of these in turn:

a. "You are so irresponsible. You do this stuff all the time.  Remember when you forgot to get my engagement ring insured?  You have a real problem. Any woman in her right mind would be angry with you."

Versus....

b. "I think the reason it bothers me so much when you forget things is that my mom was always forgetting things.  I remember feeling so bad when she would be late to pick me up because she forgot what time practice ended.  It would really mean a lot to me if we could have a calendar we both look at.  Can you see if you can reschedule the call?"

The second way he might actually listen.  The first way there is not much to listen to aside from how much he disappoints you.

So, the next time your husband goes out with his friends and gets drunk and is completely useless, I mean "unable to take the kids to the park" the next day, follow these steps and see if they help sidestep a huge fight.  He may even be shocked enough to change his behavior the next time.

Until next time, I remain, The Marriage Saving Blogapist You Always Wanted.

Next Time: My husband's crappy mood infects the household like radioactivity in Chernobyl.