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| How did anyone ever think I wasn't a jackass? twitter.com |
Imago theory is the most important idea you will hear about today, especially if most of the people you talk to are under 3 years old. So get your thinking cap on, like when you were back in college, before your children sapped you of all of your mental sharpness.
The idea behind Imago theory, created by Harville Hendrix, is that you are attracted to people who remind you on a very deep level of your parents (or primary caretakers)- both their positive and negative traits. Yes, I am serious, and keep reading.
At first, during the glowing honeymoon stage, we only see the positive (e.g. "he takes care of me like dad did"). Then, as the relationship progresses, if conflicts arise, we begin to see our caretaker's less-than-ideal traits (e.g. "she smothers me like my mom does"). Then we spend our time trying to mold our partner into the type of person we had wished that our parent was (so, take the controlling guy and try to make him into someone laid back and accepting- you can imagine that this goes poorly).
Eventually, through Imago Therapy, which is a combination of self awareness of our unmet needs in our family of origin, learning to accept our partner, learning to communicate our needs, partners can heal and come together in a more genuine and intimate way.
So for example, let's say your husband forgets to take the lunch you packed him for the second day in a row (this is not, repeat, not a personal example. Okay yes it is.) If you know nothing of Imago theory, you think, "Goddamn it, do I or do I not have enough to do without making a lunch that he isn't even going to remember to take? What kind of idiot forgets their lunch? I never forget my lunch. Or anything. Ever." You call him up and say, "Hey, I guess you'll be spending $12 on lunch for no reason again, huh?" in a really sweet and loving tone that for some reason he interprets as nasty. Then he will say something like, "It's only $11. Maybe it's because the kids were so crazy this morning because you were on the computer instead of watching them." Cue fight.
Using Imago theory, you think, Why am I so triggered by him forgetting his lunch? Maybe I had a caregiver who, despite the best of intentions, forgot things frequently, particularly things that were important to me. Maybe I am interpreting my husband as being this same way, and I am disappointed that I am again caught in the same cycle of feeling dismissed or forgotten. I would then call my husband and say, "Hey, I noticed you forgot your lunch. I know it was hectic this morning. But, I think it is so hard for me when you forget it because it reminds me of when my dad used to forget stuff." Then, since I am not attacking him, my husband is likelier to say something like, "Hey, I'm really sorry. I'll remember it next time. Thanks so much for making it, anyway."
As if I haven't dispensed enough gems of wisdom for one blog post, let's link Imago theory to the Bachelor, because everything can be linked to the Bachelor. (Try me.)
So, although you may scoff, reality TV is a good way to see Imago theory in action. Juan Pablo, who you didn't have to be a psychologist to see was a narcissist of the highest order, picked a woman who let him do anything he wanted, which appeared to be like his long suffering mother whom we met on the hometown episode. And I forget whether Nikki's dad was a jackass, but I'm willing to bet he is off screen even if he wasn't on screen.
Next time your partner or friends tease you for liking reality TV, tell them you are researching the psychological underpinnings of the contestants in relation to Imago Theory and whip out your dog-eared copy of Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, 20th Anniversary Edition
. (You will look less superficial, but weirder.)Till next time, I remain, The Blogapist That Makes Learning Fun.
* Note: I do use many techniques from Imago Therapy, but other types of couples therapy are also very successful at helping couples communicate more openly and come together emotionally- like Emotion-Focused Therapy.
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