Precious Things My Kid Says and My Usually Unspoken Retorts

I never get to do anything I want except face painting and carnivals

Kids say the darnedest things! Good thing they sleep for 12 hours a day or the cuteness would overwhelm me and I would have to shoot myself. Here are some tender words my preschooler serenades me with in her melodious little voice.

1- I'm not yours. I'm Daddy's!
Answer: Then go ask him to wipe you.

2- Why are you wearing that?
Answer: Because I lost my fashion sense when I pushed you out of my uterus.

3- Why did you do that with your face?
Answer: Because I am exerting all my willpower not to throw you out of this moving car.

4- The other mothers tell the teachers what they did on the weekend. Why don't you?
Answer: Preschool pickup sucks enough without trying to add meaningless small talk to the mix.

5- I am the only one who doesn't go to Disney.
Answer: And I am the only mother with a brain.

6- Why can't we have a playdate with Madison?
Answer: I hate Madison's mommy because she is too well dressed.

7- Why do I have to go in your car? I want to go in Daddy's car.
Answer: Mommy lost the bet.

8- Are you pregnant?
Answer: No, and it's your fault because if you learned to eat everything on your plate I wouldn't have to finish it and look like this.

9- I don't have anything to do.
Answer: Go on Facebook, that's what I do.

10- Why don't you want to play?
Answer: I'm having too much fun making a dinner that you will tell me you hate.

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